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Other => Humour / Jokes => Topic started by: That Bastard Crook on November 02, 2008, 06:40:02 PM

Title: Chris Rock
Post by: That Bastard Crook on November 02, 2008, 06:40:02 PM
Ayo, am I being over the top or is Chris Rock the funniest stand-up comidian walking the planet? I was in my archives and just dusted off a couple of his old joints (Never Scared and Bigger and Blacker) and dat shit had me rollin' all over the floor. The thing that sets Chris apart from other stand-ups is that he tackles socio-political issues and they just make jokes. You always get the feeling that even though da nigga is joking, at the same time he's being dead serious. Da nigga comes at you from all angles; racism, poverty and wealth distribution, sports, popular culture, the economy, healthcare, sex, married life, the military, basically covering every topic you ca' think of. Personally I got him up there on Mount Rushmore with Richard Pryor, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Ben Elton and Jasper Carrot.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Angry Hand of God on November 02, 2008, 06:47:19 PM
Cosign. Anyone have any Jasper Carrot vids?

Please up if you do. I used to love this dude's material when I was a kid.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: oints on November 02, 2008, 06:49:35 PM
Personally I got him up there on Mount Rushmore with Richard Pryor, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Ben Elton and Jasper Carrot.

tht would be hella funny to see, flippin comics on mount rushmore :)

but you have a very valid point thou, i even scoped out is international tour of London and South africa, dude has grown up allot over the years, hes always been conscious about world events but i think now he has a firmer grasp...he spoke allot about the current Obama Mccain election...really hard hittin stuff, but funny as hell...good to see a successful black man whose in touch with reality.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: A pimp named Sarkozy on November 02, 2008, 07:30:44 PM
"I'll put a dick,in her ear" Dick in her ear
                                    Dick in her ear
                                    Dick in her ear

"Blind the Bitch
Blind the Bitch
Blind the Bitch"

Miss those Dvds its been a while since i last watched them.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: oints on November 02, 2008, 07:35:51 PM
"I'll put a dick,in her ear" Dick in her ear
                                    Dick in her ear
                                    Dick in her ear

"Blind the Bitch
Blind the Bitch
Blind the Bitch"

Miss those Dvds its been a while since i last watched them.


hahahaha.... "smack her with the dick
                   smack her with the dick"............hahahah too funny mayn
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: 1kind on November 02, 2008, 08:05:18 PM
hehehehe...love Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle...and there's a guy called Mitch Hedberg...watch him if you're into dry humour. dude is mad clever...
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Angry Hand of God on November 02, 2008, 08:44:30 PM
Quote
"I love rice. Its the only thing to have when you feel like having 2000 of something"

"I hate it when people give me pamphlets. Its like they're saying, here you throw this away"

"I have a sensitive neck, that's why I cant wear turtlenecks. It feels like I'm being strangled... by a really weak man"

"I like drinking. I had a shot before I came on stage. Alcoholism is a disease. But, its the only disease you can get yelled at for having."
- Mitch Hedburg (RIP)

Dude was super funny, even the way he talked. Too bad he had to go. I have two of his vids.


Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: 1kind on November 02, 2008, 09:33:25 PM
hehehehe... lol. Mitch hedberg is the main man mayn

-It's the only disease you can get yelled at for having... "Damn it Otto, you have Lupus!", "Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic!" one of those don't sign right.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."[

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus?

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f***er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f***er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"[

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "f*** it, cut em up!"

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "f*** that, I'll just make a copy."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.



My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f***’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

 I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a gla** of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, f***! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"


When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the f*** -t of the S-th!"[

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the f*** did you get that banana at?'



I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.”

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "f*** you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it."

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the f*** would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."[

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket.

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This f***in' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"




Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Anna Sasin on November 03, 2008, 01:03:36 AM
Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger
ths dude has grown and it shows,he js gets funnier and mor relevent!
Eddie Griffin:Freedom of Speech
No hold's barred for real,I'm curious though...is Eddie Griffin a 5% or hebrew israelite?
Some of his content leans towards that...mad funny!!!
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: SIR DEEJAY MZU on November 03, 2008, 01:48:22 AM
chris is a funny a** dude but KATT WILLIAMS is the truth, my fav comedian at the moment...

"this shit right here nigga"

(http://i34.tinypic.com/260ap35.jpg)
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Angry Hand of God on November 03, 2008, 03:01:52 AM
I don't know. I find Katt Williams overrated. He's not that funny at all without the voice and the pimpjokes.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Ritchie on November 03, 2008, 05:35:41 AM
chris is a funny a** dude but KATT WILLIAMS is the truth, my fav comedian at the moment...

"this shit right here nigga"

One of my faves right here: Katt Williams - Weed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93jQI_6G5Cw&feature=related
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Anna Sasin on November 03, 2008, 08:28:53 AM
i find katt incredibly funny!
his new dvd will be out soon:'its pimpin pimpin'
hope it lives up 2expectation coz 'american hustle' wasn't as funny as 'pimp chronicles'...
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Ritchie on November 03, 2008, 08:42:48 AM
i find katt incredibly funny!
his new dvd will be out soon:'its pimpin pimpin'
hope it lives up 2expectation coz 'american hustle' wasn't as funny as 'pimp chronicles'...

I think what you refferring to is his debut album which is called it's pimpin pimpin which is due to be release november 11.
His rapper name is money mike, which is his name in Friday after next as the pimp
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Anna Sasin on November 03, 2008, 08:45:55 AM
^^^^thers clips of the show on youtube,its a show as well...
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Ritchie on November 03, 2008, 08:50:09 AM
^^^^thers clips of the show on youtube,its a show as well...

Yeah just checkd it out. You right, good looking out
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: That Bastard Crook on November 03, 2008, 01:27:40 PM
Co-sign on Pyro; Katt ain't funny, except for the stupid voice and the tired-a**, cliched pimp jokes. Nothin' clever at all really. Chris represents mature, clever, insightful, grown-a** man humour. The type 'a' shit you take home with you an' think about coz 'a' realness of it.

@Pyro, you remember Carrot Confidential? Jasper's show back in the late '80's/ early '90's. British comedy was da shit back in those days:

French and Saunders
Paramount City
Ben Elton (Stavros the Greek)
Hale and Pace etc.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: General Ratzinger van Stilzkin on November 03, 2008, 01:33:29 PM
I don't know. I find Katt Williams overrated. He's not that funny at all without the voice and the pimpjokes.

hes definately not funny. gets irritating after a while.

but yo. steve harvey kills me. facial expression, body language that ol skool shit kills me.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: THAT LADY! on November 03, 2008, 01:47:28 PM
I don't know. I find Katt Williams overrated. He's not that funny at all without the voice and the pimpjokes.

hes definately not funny. gets irritating after a while.

but yo. steve harvey kills me. facial expression, body language that ol skool shit kills me.
i dont feel Steve Harvey, I didnt feel him since childhood days. He show was the pitts!
I love me some C.Rock! cat just too funny yo!
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: That Bastard Crook on November 03, 2008, 01:54:53 PM
I don't know. I find Katt Williams overrated. He's not that funny at all without the voice and the pimpjokes.

hes definately not funny. gets irritating after a while.

but yo. steve harvey kills me. facial expression, body language that ol skool shit kills me.
Co-sign on the Steve Harvey shit, but only so far as The Original Kings Of Comedy - dude come thru heavy. But another dude who ca' actually become the new Chris Rock is D.L. Hughley. I peeped him on The Kings joint and he was bringing heat for real, touching a lotta different bases. Should pursue stand-up on his own though.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Anna Sasin on November 03, 2008, 01:57:06 PM
any1 c the steve harvey stand up he did for Megafest?it was for a church festival so he couldn't swear...the dude was strained bt he made it the whole way.the show had a strange feeling to it without the expletives though,tells you how much some comedian's acts depends on them.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Mo'licious on November 04, 2008, 02:54:25 PM
any1 c the steve harvey stand up he did for Megafest?it was for a church festival so he couldn't swear...the dude was strained bt he made it the whole way.the show had a strange feeling to it without the expletives though,tells you how much some comedian's acts depends on them.

Shit was too funny. Twas like he was constipated...he let out a curse tho...and said he wasn't perfect....lol ai, Steve

Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Mrs Jones on November 04, 2008, 03:20:55 PM
I think David Kau is hilarious LOL I hope you guys will be watching his new reality show called So You Think You're Funny, I'm sure it's gonna have some people rolling on the flooor with laughter, I know I will.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Angry Hand of God on November 04, 2008, 03:41:50 PM
I think David Kau is hilarious LOL I hope you guys will be watching his new reality show called So You Think You're Funny, I'm sure it's gonna have some people rolling on the flooor with laughter, I know I will.

Not another one...

@Crook, yeah I loved carrot confidential. Dude was one of the reasons I wanted to become a comedian. But then my parents made me go to school and shit and forced me to get a real job.

I grew up on a lot of British comedy. Nowadays comedy, even Brit ones, just aren't that funny anymore.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Mighty Loks on November 04, 2008, 04:29:37 PM

Not another one...

@Crook, yeah I loved carrot confidential. Dude was one of the reasons I wanted to become a comedian. But then my parents made me go to school and shit and forced me to get a real job.

I grew up on a lot of British comedy. Nowadays comedy, even Brit ones, just aren't that funny anymore.

Not a comedy but "Lock, stock and 2 smoking barrels" was hilarious.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: cash on November 04, 2008, 04:33:01 PM
Bernie Mack
Katt Williams
Chris rock
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: The Mighty Loks on November 04, 2008, 04:44:52 PM
hehehehe... lol. Mitch hedberg is the main man mayn

-It's the only disease you can get yelled at for having... "Damn it Otto, you have Lupus!", "Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic!" one of those don't sign right.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."[

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus?

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f***er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f***er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"[

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "f*** it, cut em up!"

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "f*** that, I'll just make a copy."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.



My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f***’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

 I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a gla** of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, f***! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"


When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the f*** -t of the S-th!"[

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the f*** did you get that banana at?'



I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.”

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "f*** you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it."

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the f*** would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."[

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket.

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This f***in' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"



Oh my gosh I can't breath...bwakakak...that is too funny.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: A pimp named Sarkozy on November 04, 2008, 04:46:38 PM
Larry David kills me every time,in every episode.Mike Epps has his days too.
Title: Re: Chris Rock
Post by: Baddbrainz on November 18, 2008, 08:38:11 PM
Dave chapelle
Tracy morgan
Larry David
Iris spears