i would like to tell you a story.
its one along the lines of the politics of the personal. which i believe colours most of this life. is life. so i would like to tell you a story. it may have nothing to do with anything. its one thats already been told (never believed). never here. and what ive found is that one of the great challenges of living is this moving in so many different spaces without having to confirm. without shying away from or losing yourself. the difficulty in being yourself where reflections can so often be left wanting. it'll have you questioning what your particular relevance is. what it is you bring to where you are. in that moment at that time. have you feeling bizarre.
it paints itself as a self portrait. a day in the life. when i believe it has absolutely nothing to do with me really.
and so at continued risk of my seeming baffoonious. i would like to tell you a story AG. its a bit long. so please bear with me.
and the message is LOVE.
It was a simple idea. A very simple idea. Borne of the fact that with every Valentines Day, one is a**aulted by the usual anxieties, the usual feelings of emptiness and longing. Instead of Valentines Day being a day of love expressed, love experienced and love felt. It has become a day of feeling less. Instead of one being joyous and celebrating love, it becomes the kind of day when you are reminded of the love you feel you don’t have or need. A day of buy this, do that. Whether one agrees with it or not, abides, it remains, is there, takes place and is in your face. Some believe and share in it, as they can and others, well, choose may'kethela - that is life. Im one of those who doesn’t look forward to it, infact I ignore it most times. I didn’t want to mope this year. I didn’t want to feel alone. And I didn’t want to wait for someone to fill those spaces within me.
And so it became that I made the decision as they say to ‘be the change you want to see in the world’. I made the decision to go out there and share of the love inside of me. To go out and find within my immediate space someone/anyone and give them something. Make them feel special. Show them love. It could have been someone I know, but I think I went out with the explicit intent of finding someone I didn’t know - a child; an elderly person; those who spend their days wandering the streets lost and without; a storekeeper; street sweeper; bus conductor; someone’s housekeeper. Someone we forget and anyone who needs it. All I wanted to do was find those people and give them my love. My most ambitious thought was that they would be inspired to complete the rest of their day in much the same way. It was my simple hope just to touch and bring out the tenderness in their own hearts, like yes, it can happen to you. I wanted to tilt the angle of their frame of reference if only for a day. And maybe just maybe they would pa** it on. And it would in turn not be just one flower but many in spirit. Who knows. Ambitious, like I said.
It turned into one of the most enriching, most fulfilling experiences of my young life. I bought 6 sunflowers and wrote out 6 little notes and tied them with ribbons. I spent the day walking about and identifying people who inspired within me a need to pa** on the love or celebrate it. What remains is that I learnt so many things about love as we perceive it or love as we think we know it. It was such a small thing and so easily thought of as insignificant and it turned out to be so profound and so giving. The lessons gathered are enduring. Give the love you think you need.
That morning I awoke to the realisation that I was actually quite scared. More like questioning, am I mad? I mean who just sommer decides to do such? I managed to force myself when I saw the poor little sunflowers looking up at me with faces pleading - but you promised. So I wrote out each little note and tied the ribbons to each stalk. Still half not believing myself, with thoughts in my head like, just how we can make what should be the easiest things the hardest.
I wasnt trying to be starting a rally. I wasnt trying to peddle anything to anyone. Wasnt asking for anything. I simply wanted to make them smile. Hopefully. And yet there I was so scared. I was afraid of being stared at, afraid of being judged by people in the street, afraid of their thoughts. Afraid of doing something a little differently. The absurdity in what we now experience as a fear in not only giving but giving of ourselves how we know and as we are. Its not always a very receptive world, as we know.
I did however eventually drag myself out, heart squealing. Committed to my own self to keep my word, no one standing over my shoulder and no one checking if I infact really did this. No one to see, applaud or validate. Just me.
There was a slight drizzle, which didnt help me much really. Grey slouching about, dampening my resolve - high treason by that gallery in the sky. Aaargggh!! Everyone was seeming so busy and intimidating. I was just like oh-my-word. I-am-positively-insane. I CANNOT BE SERIOUS. I crossed the road and nearly got myself hit by a car. The driver of which, very unimpressed with my rather obvious display of stupidity, proceeded to hoot me into a frenzy. As if I didnt have enough problems – people can be so inconsiderate. ‘Great. Wonderful start there my girl. And there I was thinking we were trying to spread good cheer.’ NOT.
I was in such a state that, the first person I saw when I made it across, found themselves with a sunflower shoved in their face. When I raised my downcast eyes I just thrust out my hand out, like, ‘here! take it!’ Clumsy to say the least, but hey its the thought that counts right? No that didnt go so well at all.
She was a housekeeper and in much of a hurry - she was quite obviously late. My efforts only served to leave her confused, which just made things even harder. ‘no! this is not how its supposed to go!!!’ cringing and everything else between, I think I whispered it. I dont remember. I probably dont want to. Happy Valentines Day I said. Gesturing with my hands, as if that helps hey. How exactly do you convey the message with your hands? Uhm hmmmm. Shaping fingers into hearts? No. It didnt go well at all. She just nodded her head and kept it moving. I stood around, stuck there. Unsure of how to move. The morning spectacle, starring me. People in their cars. Staring at me. I looked back at the house. I-cant-do-this.
Because though we intend to just give, even if we tell ourselves we are not expecting anything in return. We are. And its a small thing. It is that we want to be received. In whatever way shape or form. We want to be received.
And it became lesson number 1.
