Interview conducted at Teaser's.Korea-Crook: So Jake, can I call you that? Can I call you Jake?
Jacob Zuma: "No of course not."
K.C: Okay..........so Jake if you're innocent with regards to the charges previously brought against you, why were you blocking the Scorpions efforts to obtain essential documents from the Mauritian Authorities?
*Zwelinzima Vavi bursts through the door* "Comrade Zuma has been vindicated, the political conspiracy concocted by treacherous counter-revolutionaries such as Mbeki, Ngcuka and the like, to keep Jacob Zuma from the highest office in the land has been exposed. Zuma is an unstoppable Tsunami. The democratic revolutionary Movement will not be derailed. Viva! Zuma Viva!!"
K.C: *Quickly reverts to Deputy-Director Smith default mode*
"Number 2!! RESTRAIN HIM!!!"
Z.V: "AAAAAHHH!!!!" @%#&^&@* "HELP!!HELP!!" $%#@&@3$#
K.C: So Jake, how will you chart a new course for the ANC, Cosatu et al with the movement so divided and ANC Heavyweights resigning regularly? These must be testing times for the Party?
J.Z: "Awuleth' umshiniwam, awuleth' um
SHINIWAM 'MSHININWAM"
K.C: No Mr Zuma, this is a serious Political Interview. This is not one of those platforms where you do what you do best; singing Liberation songs that have no relevance to what we're facing today: Corruption, extreme poverty and unemployment, rampant crime and the HIV Pandemic. Speaking of HIV, I sincerely hope for your sake and the country's, that these days you're using protection to curb the spread of the Virus?
J.Z: "Oh yes of course, I shower regularly, I mean that goes without saying."
K.C: (Surprised) Moving along.....Jake if you could, in a nutshell, describe yourself, your actions, your aspirations and your goals in one word, what would that word be?
J.Z: "Horny"
K.C: (Slightly taken aback) So you admit that you are nowhere near the intellectual prowess of former President Mbeki?
J.Z: "No, I'm just a simple country-boy from from KwaZulu-Natal"
K.C: Yes. Yes you are.......Jake if I may just ask, why aren't you in jail yet?
J.Z: "I made deals with people, you see the streets were starving when you Xhosa's were in power, you never put anybody on but yourselves; why d'you think I'm so popular? Next year, with me on the throne, I'm going to put my Zulu people on. Like Vavi, Yengeni and Mbalula."
K.C: But your think-tank Committee are all Xhosa too, don't you find that a bit sinister?
J.Z: "Out of the question, impossible; Vavi promised me that they're all Zulu."
K.C: (Mildly shocked) Moving along......all your talk of "making deals" and "the streets starving" makes you sound like a shady type of gangster, is that true?
J.Z: "Oh no, I'm nothing like Trevor Manuel no; he's a rank amateur compared to me. When I'm President next year I'm going to raid the Treasury, get Schabir out, go on the run and stash myself in Durban until the coast is clear."
K.C: (Getting heated) Umm Jake, when you're on the run from police you usually want to go to places like the Seychelles, Cape Verde, Mauritius where
NOBODY knows you. Why in God's name would you take your retarted a** to Durban? Anyway let's talk Foreign Affairs, what's your outlook on the situation in the Gaza Strip?
J.Z: "Off the record?"
K.C: Okay.
J.Z: "I was there last Thursday...(Crook interjects)
K.C: Really??
J.Z: "Yes and there was this beautiful Malawian girl going up and down the pole, her breasts bouncing all over the place. It gave me a boner"
K.C: (Astounded) Moving along......Corrupt Zuma, sorry I meant to say Comrade Zuma, what's your take on the Bush Administration's War On Terror?
J.Z: "What?? They hate Lekota too?? Wow, so that means......they're on our side. Yes, it's definitely a step in the right direction."
K.C: (Absolutely flabbergasted) Mr Zuma, is there anything about World Affairs that you
DO have a grasp on? Maybe Global Warming?
J.Z: "Yes, that's right up my alley. I usually tell my broads to take off their kangas and take showers with me, you know to stay cool."
Crook was subsequently rushed to Milpark Hospital after suffering a Nervous Breakdown at the thought of a Zuma Presidency. He is currently in I.C.U. lying in a coma. Please forward any monetary donations to the Save Korea-Crook Foundation.
www.savek-c.co.za
