hehehehe... lol. Mitch hedberg is the main man mayn
-It's the only disease you can get yelled at for having... "Damn it Otto, you have Lupus!", "Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic!" one of those don't sign right.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."[
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus?
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f***er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f***er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"[
I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "f*** it, cut em up!"
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "f*** that, I'll just make a copy."
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f***’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a gla** of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, f***! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the f*** -t of the S-th!"[
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the f*** did you get that banana at?'
I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.”
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "f*** you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it."
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the f*** would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."[
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket.
I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This f***in' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"
