hey babes,
i suffer from panic attacks. its improved over time. but it can be quite bad for business at times still, makes performances a crisis. it can get hectic. i think just being able to understand ones disposition helps you learn the necessary coping mechanisms.
its not always just feeling sorry for yourself as people seem to easily a**ume. you can be an incredibly strong person and be melancholic in spirit. sometimes its not a question of weakness. its the weight of life and the absence of the kind of environments and support systems that nurture and heal. and sometimes some people drink that away, do drugs, beat their loved ones, neglect themselves. most people arent even at that place where they will admit when something is wrong. but it manifests itself in different ways. i see it as a positive thing that you are able to even say this. let alone to an open forum like this. its not always a safe space. keep talking. just keep talking.
as it remains most days i just dont have energy for the world. the world is too much. and realities of living will so often excercabate that, aggravate it even. i struggle too.
see someone my friend, but someone who works with you. someone who can help you walk the path of your life and help unravel and deal with some of the issues that sit so heavy inside. or just make sure you build the kind of relationships that lighten your soul. surround yourself with the kind of people who are capable of coaxing you out of there and not just for when you go drinking. create what you need. that security, that safety, that patience and understanding - build a life that is solid, that can support you. make healthy choices. take the time when you need to, but also come up for air. this is very important. because otherwise there are enough reasons to stay there inside yourself. never underestimate your ability to get up. focus on developing the capacity to. it requires an immense awareness of self. listen to yourself and be brave enough to cut through the haze and find the source of the heaviness. identify it, so that you can see it as is and not always bring it so into you. its an everyday process and its in the little things. however small the step, it is never insignifcant.
what is the silver lining in your life. there is always still a place that survives, what is that for you. when you cant talk even, find what speaks for you, speaks to you. you must know those things bout yourself, they will help you. if you could have the freedom of release from the things that keep you down, what would it look like. that is still out there for you. never give up on yourself. and in a world of play pretend perfection, dont judge yourself for it either. its okay. infact find a way to use it. pain has a strength. it too is a force. when you can hold it. what is yours.
whatevers happened or what youve been through it may never go away, its just a process of learning to live with it somehow. dont be too hard on yourself, in terms of the winding routes your life has taken through circumstance. we are many many many. and we are still here. life is like this.
take care of yourself you know. atleast this is something you are aware of, so you own it. awareness creates the possiblities of being able to manage yourself accordingly.
there is love out there yet. it exists.
youre not alone bra.
