Deacon ha... I mean reviews Xmen origins Wolverine
FILLED WITH SPOILERS AND I DONT GIVE A f***First of all this movie sucks the 2 minute opening scene is absolutely pointless. Oh no, Logan's father isn't his real father! Victor is his brother! Too bad it's only 2 minutes into the movie and nobody cares. Cue opening credits with Wolvie and Sabretooth in many wars. At the end they're executed, Stryker recruits them. Cut to a shitload years later with them already being a team for a long time. Ryan Reynolds is Wade Wilson.
Cue attack on some military base. Agent Zero kills shipload of people, Victor climbs onto roof(dont know why), future Blob destroys tank. They go up in elevator, which stops. Cue funny Wade Wilson dialogue. Electric guy turns elevator back on. Wade Wilson goes out and kills shitload of people with bullet ricocheting swords superpower. Well done Fox, you already ruined Wade Wilson, 5 minutes after his first appearance. Will.I.Am teleports. Stryker asks about metallic rock. Guy tells where guy is who knows where it is. No explanation of what happened with Victor who climbed the roof (smh).
Cue a**ault on some other base. Lots of innocents. Guy who knows where rock is mentions it fell from sky. It's sacred. Stryker wants to kill all the innocents. Victor complies, Wolverine doesn't. Apparently he doesn't like killing(yeah right f*** outta here). He leaves. Cut to a shitload years later where Wolvie suddenly lives together with Silver Fox. He works as a lumberjack. She tells him dumb metaphorical story about the moon. I ldamn near fall alseep. Electric guy, now carnival dude, is killed by Victor. I don't care(
).
Stryker goes to warn Wolvie at his lumberjack camp. Wolvie puts cigar in his mouth(that makes him look bada**....apparently). Agent Zero shoots the cigar. Nobody in the camp reacts or is startled by the gunshot. (Why would they? its only gunfire amirite
) Stryker warns Wolvie about mysterious killer. Wolvie doesn't care. He does when Victor kills Silver Fox. I don't care she's killed. Wolvie confronts Victor in bar. They fly through wall and fight outside. Victor throws Wolvie in front of a truck. The truck doesn't stop or anything. (Apparently driver doesn't care he just hit a person, f*** you FOX). Victor curb stomps Wolvie's bone claws. Wolvie screams in pain. Not sure why? Bone by itself doesn't hurt when it breaks, only when it's covered in muscles, meat and skin, you know, stuff that's full of pain receptors and does hurt.
Wolvie recovers in hospital. Is mad at Stryker. Joins Weapon X. Flatlines. Stryker explains that his evil plan has failed. Wolvie hears it's an evil plan. Escapes. Completely ignores every single bit of continuity that was established about Weapon X in the X-men trilogy(SHAKE MY GODDAMNED HEAD). Agent Zero is sent out to kill him. Wolvie seeks cover with Jonathan and Martha Kent. They're nice to him. Of course they are, they were nice to Superman as well. Agent Zero kills them, (not sure how that fits with Superman-continuity). Chase ensues. Wolvie dives with motorcycle into thick forest. For some reason helicopter knows exactly where he is in thick forest to lay machine gun fire onto him(Oh my f***ing god). Wolvie takes out two humvees, using the exploding second one to launch himself onto the helicopter which crashes(LAAAAAAAAAAAAME!). Of course Agent Zero still lives to have dramatic end speech. Wolvie blows up helicopter. Stryker's a**istant shows him gun with adamantium bullets so he can protect himself from Wolvie. Apparently nobody thought it was a good idea to give the gun with adamantium bullets to Agent Zero, the expert marksman who was sent out to kill Wolvie(JESUS H f***ING CHRIST MY HEAD IS GONNA EXPLODE).
I dose off have a wet dream about jay lee wake up we see Scott Summers in cla** room with red sungla**es. Teacher says "Summers, take of those sungla**es". Obviously a poor teacher, since good teachers adress students by their first name. Scott must stay for detention. Victor takes him out. Stryker appears. Blob reveals to Wolvie that Victor and Stryker work together. Plot twist so predictable and awful I throw up. Keyboard is ruined. Perhaps good excuse to explain why I'm not writing in full sentences.
Anyway, Blob tells Wolvie about island where Stryker keeps mutants. Mentions one who escaped. Gambit. Wolvie and Will.I.Am go look for Gambit. Find him. Wolvie goes talk to Gambit, Will.I.Am is going somewhere else for no apparent reason other than to get killed by Victor without Wolvie knowing(pffft). Wolvie confronts Gambit. Gambit thinks Wolvie works for Stryker. Throws kinetic card at Wolvie. Wolvie angry. Gambit somehow possesses ability to make cards float through the air in a poor attempt to make him look cooler. Also, once every ten sentences he tries something that I think is supposed to be an accent. I walk to the sink and throw up again. Bring a bucket back to the computer in case it happens again. Wolvie is smacked through wall. Sees Victor over Will.I.Am's body. The end of Black Eyed Peas? (I can only hope so). Gambit steps outside to confront Wolvie, doesn't notice Victor. Wolvie knocks Gambit out like a bitch(gambit was never a this lame). Wolvie and Victor fight. And fight. And fight. Gambit now runs over rooftop with staff. Wait, what? How did he go from being knocked out on the street to running over rooftop? I doubt even Sherlock Holmes could solve this mystery. Gambit dives into street with staff and stirs shit up. Victor runs off. Gambit fails to notice him again. I pause the movie, look up the producers and hire an a**a**in to take them out.
Gambit and Wolvie fight. Wolvie slices Gambit's staff in half. Gambit uses the two kinetic half-staffes to climb wall. Not sure where exactly this power comes from or how it even works. They work out differences. Gambit flies Wolvie to mysterious island. Gambit doesn't join him. Stryker reveals Weapon X (aka the even more ruined Deadpool) to general. General isn't pleased with Stryker. Stryker stabs him. Oh, he's so evil. Wolvie confronts Stryker. Stryker reveals shocker. Not the Spidey-villain, but the fact that Silver Fox lives. I don't care. Wolvie apparently does. She tricked him because her sister is captured by Stryker. Sister is blonde and can turn herself into diamond(hey look fanboys we just put the white queen into the movie for no apparent reason). They never reveal she's Emma Frost. My brain is shutting off and rebooting. Victor watches the whole thing from a hiding place for no apparent reason. Wolvie walks away. Stryker lets him. Why? Who knows. Victor confronts Stryker about it, the first time anyone makes any sense. Victor goes and fights Wolvie in a non-epic fight. Victor pulls the old "Kill me" routine to make Wolvie evil, and Wolvie struggles for no other reason than that's what people do when the villain pulls the old "Kill me" routine. Wolvie knocks him out. Silver Fox reveals her feelings for him were real. Of course they were, they always are arent they.
Wolvie and Silver Fox free the other mutants. Stryker watches this from a computer screen. Hopefully he's asking himself how he could be so retarded for letting Wolvie just walk away(oh my f***). Amongst the mutants there is one that seems to be Quicksilver(quicksilver is maneto's son and should even be born at this point... whatever). They never say so, obviously because throwing in as many pointless cameos as possible is what makes a movie. Among the prisoners are fake Emma Frost and Cyclops with his eyes covered. Stryker activates Weapon XI, who is controlled by a computer(sigh poor deadpool). Silver Fox takes the prisoners elsewhere. They're shot at. Fake Emma Frost turns diamond. Cyclops uses her as cover as he uses his laser-eyes to kill all the guards. Congratulations, Cyclops is now a murderer(SHAKE MY GODDAMN HEAD SO HARD I CATCH A MIGRAINE). The prisoners move on but Silver Fox stays behind, since she was shot. I don't care.
Wolvie talks to Weapon XI, trying to reach out to Wade. Stryker typs in "engage" on his computer. Luckily for him Weapon XI engages in combat, instead of proposing to marry Wolvie. They fight. The prisoners hit a T-split. A voice in Cyclops' head tells them to go left. They do. The fight between Wolvie and Weapon XI continues outside. He has blades coming from his arms and has healing powers. Wolvie climbs on top of a reactor. Weapon XI teleports. Wolvie sighs. So do I. They fight some more. Victor joins in and helps Wolvie, claiming that only he's allowed to kill Wolvie. I guess at this point that's almost a valid excuse. They fight some more and Weapon XI has laser-eyes as well. The whole reactor is blown to pieces. Wolvie takes the impact of the laser beams with his claws, which turn red hot(anybody knows anything about cyke's powers would be throwing up at this point, gat at me for further explainations). Victor attacks Weapon XI and is smacked down. Wolvie uses his red hot claws to slice Weapon XI's head off, who falls into the reactor while his laser-beams blow it to shit. Wolvie helps Victor up. They sort of reconcile their rivalry. Victor than jumps into the reactor. Wolvie is smart enough to jump down the other way.
Wolvie is about to crushed by debris (like that could kill him). The debris is destroyed by Gambit who swoops in unexplainably(he wasnt even on the island). Wolvie tells Gambit to go take care of the prisoners. Stryker pulls out his adamantium-gun and shoots Wolvie. Wolvie jumps at Stryker and Stryker shoots him in the head. And again. Than walks over to the dying Silver Fox to apparently shoot her again as well. She touches him and manipulates him into walking off, because they're not killers like him. Apparently she missed the part where Wolverine is a killer and kills everyone. She dies. The prisoners arrive where Cyclops' mind-voice told them to go, a helicopter and Patrick Stewart. I wonder how much money they paid him. Whatever the amount, it's not enough. Gambit looks at the scene from the distance. Wolvie wakes up, looks at his dogtags, only knows he's Logan aka Wolverine. Gambit joins him. Wolvie gets mad at him because he doesn't know shit anymore. He sees Silver Fox' dead body. He sort of mourns. Wolvie and Gambit go separate ways. Maybe my knowledge of US Geography is wrong or the island is actually revealed to be Manhattan, which is so stupid my brain turns off at the exact moment the end credits kick in.
I reboot in time to see the credits refer to Silver Fox' sister as Emma, (I feel sickened). f***! Hey, a mid-credits scene. Stryker walks on and on until a humvee stops. Seems the military wants him for questioning considering the death of the general he killed, apparently not about the million dollar base on Manhattan being blown to shit by a bunch of people with superpowers. That's right, even an extra scene in the credits doesn't make sense. Oh wait, at the end there's another scene. Wolvie sits in a Japanese bar, drinking. The barlady asks him if he drinks to forget. He says he drinks to remember. She spoke Japanese. He spoke English. My brain shuts off again, I'm just too tired to be mad. I write this. I get a phone call. It's the a**a**ins I hired. They failed at their job because apparently the producers have no soul, and therefore can't be killed... Bastards!
