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Humour / Jokes / Why I fired my Secretary
« on: October 21, 2009, 10:28:24 AM »
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone" Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know. It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone" Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know. It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
3
General Discussion / huz da best rapper or hip hop group in SA?
« on: September 12, 2009, 06:01:06 PM »
4
Hot Traxxx / Strong lyrics
« on: July 04, 2008, 08:00:14 PM »
[Intro]
Hey mama (hey mama)… Know I ain’t never tell you this
befo’ (I ain’t never tell you this befo’)… but it really
hurt me knowin’ I’m runnin’ you crazy (know I’m runnin’
ya crazy)… I wanna talk to ya real quick (wanna talk to ya mama)
[Verse 1]
My momma told me while I run these streets she can’t sleep
Her phone ring late at night she think somethin’ happened to me
Her nerves so bad right now she can’t even watch T.V
She turn her head everytime she see the police
She scared to look ’cause it might be me in the back seat
Whenever she hear about a shootin’ her heart skip a beat
She heard the feds was in town her knees got weak
She know I’m at the house the only time she at peace
Her blood pressure through the roof all because of me
Her favorite words is “dope ain’t the only way to eat”
She told me the other day she hope I don’t die in these streets
I just pray to God she don’t wipe her hands wit’ me
[Chorus]
I’m a goon to the streets but to my momma I’m still her baby
Raised a street nigga by yaself you a hell of a lady
Shit Im doin’ now got nothin’ to do wit’ how you raised me
Shit killin’ me to know I’m runnin’ my momma crazy
Goon to the streets but to my momma I’m still her baby
Raised a street nigga by yaself you a hell of a lady
Shit Im doin’ now got nothin’ to do wit’ how you raised me
Shit killin’ me to know I’m runnin’ my momma crazy
[Verse 2]
Remember the nights me sittin’ up in a cold cell
I’m wakin’ ya up out’cha sleep it’s me callin’ you from jail
You ain’t say it but I know inside you mad as hell
You called off from work just to bond me out of jail
I get in trouble I call you seem like it never fail
Can hear you now “boy you need to sit ya a** down somewhere”
I come and eat I take a shower then I’m out of there
I know I’m stressin’ ya at times seem like I don’t care
You wrote bad checks for me to have somethin’ to wear
You risked ya freedom for me nowadays that’s real rare
Everytime I think about the shit I wanna shed a tear
That’s why I buy ya somethin’ for Father’s Day every year
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
You did the best you could wit’ me and I love you for that
Wanted me to stay in school but that ain’t where my heart was at
I got exposed to the streets and fell in love wit’ stacks
And all the times I hurt you wish I could take it back
When daddy left us you stepped up and took his slack
I know I’m selfish and feelin’s is somethin’ I know I lack
The shit I’m doin’ now I know you raised me better than that
You showed me how to be a man and showed me how to act
Sometimes I wonder how you still proud I’m ya son
After all the stuff I took ya through and all the shit I done
Well like ya told me when God want me how I can’t run
Before he take me want you to know how much I love ya mom
[Chorus]
[Outro]
Think I’m speakin’ for every street nigga ’round the world… I
don’t think we sit down long enough sometimes… Just to
realize what we takin’ our momma through… It hurt me to know
dog… That I’m runnin’ my momma crazy… And it’s really
killin’ me to know… that I’m helpin’ killin’ my momma..
Hey mama (hey mama)… Know I ain’t never tell you this
befo’ (I ain’t never tell you this befo’)… but it really
hurt me knowin’ I’m runnin’ you crazy (know I’m runnin’
ya crazy)… I wanna talk to ya real quick (wanna talk to ya mama)
[Verse 1]
My momma told me while I run these streets she can’t sleep
Her phone ring late at night she think somethin’ happened to me
Her nerves so bad right now she can’t even watch T.V
She turn her head everytime she see the police
She scared to look ’cause it might be me in the back seat
Whenever she hear about a shootin’ her heart skip a beat
She heard the feds was in town her knees got weak
She know I’m at the house the only time she at peace
Her blood pressure through the roof all because of me
Her favorite words is “dope ain’t the only way to eat”
She told me the other day she hope I don’t die in these streets
I just pray to God she don’t wipe her hands wit’ me
[Chorus]
I’m a goon to the streets but to my momma I’m still her baby
Raised a street nigga by yaself you a hell of a lady
Shit Im doin’ now got nothin’ to do wit’ how you raised me
Shit killin’ me to know I’m runnin’ my momma crazy
Goon to the streets but to my momma I’m still her baby
Raised a street nigga by yaself you a hell of a lady
Shit Im doin’ now got nothin’ to do wit’ how you raised me
Shit killin’ me to know I’m runnin’ my momma crazy
[Verse 2]
Remember the nights me sittin’ up in a cold cell
I’m wakin’ ya up out’cha sleep it’s me callin’ you from jail
You ain’t say it but I know inside you mad as hell
You called off from work just to bond me out of jail
I get in trouble I call you seem like it never fail
Can hear you now “boy you need to sit ya a** down somewhere”
I come and eat I take a shower then I’m out of there
I know I’m stressin’ ya at times seem like I don’t care
You wrote bad checks for me to have somethin’ to wear
You risked ya freedom for me nowadays that’s real rare
Everytime I think about the shit I wanna shed a tear
That’s why I buy ya somethin’ for Father’s Day every year
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
You did the best you could wit’ me and I love you for that
Wanted me to stay in school but that ain’t where my heart was at
I got exposed to the streets and fell in love wit’ stacks
And all the times I hurt you wish I could take it back
When daddy left us you stepped up and took his slack
I know I’m selfish and feelin’s is somethin’ I know I lack
The shit I’m doin’ now I know you raised me better than that
You showed me how to be a man and showed me how to act
Sometimes I wonder how you still proud I’m ya son
After all the stuff I took ya through and all the shit I done
Well like ya told me when God want me how I can’t run
Before he take me want you to know how much I love ya mom
[Chorus]
[Outro]
Think I’m speakin’ for every street nigga ’round the world… I
don’t think we sit down long enough sometimes… Just to
realize what we takin’ our momma through… It hurt me to know
dog… That I’m runnin’ my momma crazy… And it’s really
killin’ me to know… that I’m helpin’ killin’ my momma..
5
Humour / Jokes / 5 facts in the world!!!
« on: July 03, 2008, 07:17:24 PM »
1. You cannot touch all ur teeth with your tongue!!!!
2. After readin da first fact, all the fools try it...
3. The fact is false.. hehehehehe....
4. Now u r laughing cause you became a fool...
5. You want to fool your friends also...
forward to fool your friends...
2. After readin da first fact, all the fools try it...
3. The fact is false.. hehehehehe....
4. Now u r laughing cause you became a fool...
5. You want to fool your friends also...
forward to fool your friends...
6
Humour / Jokes / sick leave!!!!
« on: July 02, 2008, 11:37:24 PM »
Sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give
me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give
me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
7
Humour / Jokes / have a laugh
« on: July 02, 2008, 07:35:01 PM »
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
'Turn around.
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
'Turn around.
8
Humour / Jokes / kids - brilliant
« on: July 02, 2008, 07:31:23 PM »
nudity
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit..'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit..'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
10
General Discussion / tippy toes battle!!!
« on: July 02, 2008, 01:26:35 PM »
wats up everybody!! hope yall all gud n fresh dis mornin!!
Pages: 1