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The Angry Hand of God

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Now that Maddox isn't updating as often this is my favourite site. Here's something I jacked;

If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty

By Alan Tripp
May 23, 2007 | Issue 43•21


I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more guilty of a crime than any other man in this courtroom.

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say today on behalf of all mankind: If wanting to see vaginas is a crime, then I am guilty of that crime. And if going to great lengths to find unblinded windows or drill peepholes through which vaginas may be plainly observed elevates that crime from a misdemeanor to a multi-count felony, then I plead no contest.

But before you pa** judgment on me, look into your own hearts. Is there a man among us, here in this hall of so-called "justice," that does not also desire to see vaginas? Does any one of you not admire their natural, flowerlike perfection, or not enjoy the sexual urges they conjure deep within your being?

Then why drag me into this august chamber and put my future in jeopardy for wanting nothing but the same? The only difference between us is that I acted upon the conviction of my beliefs, whereas you stood by and did nothing. And, in doing nothing, missed out on seeing a lot of amazing vaginas.

Is not the pursuit of happiness a fundamental right promised by our nation's own Declaration of Independence? Well, what could make any man happier than to see a myriad of young vaginas, in a group shower, lovingly hand-lathered to a state of moist, soapy perfection? Is that not what our founding fathers themselves envisioned so many years ago?

Yet here in this courtroom, we act as if the glory of the vagina is something to be hidden from public view. And in so doing, we veil the most rapturous wonder of creation under ignorance, repression, hosiery, and outerwear. Not unlike the conservative poly-knit skirt worn by the prosecuting attorney, who, I might add, is a very attractive woman.

Have we as a society really come to the point where it is a crime for a man in a ski mask and black coveralls to place a simple ladder against the side of a building and climb his way to a vantage point from which the glorious beauty of the nude vagina can be gazed upon with the rapt wonderment it deserves? Where the mere act of placing hidden cameras in a dorm lavatory is to be looked down upon in hypocritical shame? Where even something so innocent as the posting of live streaming feeds on the Internet—so that all men, regardless of race, creed, or color, may share in the beauty of these vaginas—is somehow considered "wrong"?

As long as we're at it, why don't we put every man who desires to see the vaginas of unknown women on some kind of national database and make him go door to door telling all of his neighbors, "I like vaginas! I like vaginas!"

As far as I am concerned, a world that denies a man's God-given right to stare directly at the genitalia of any woman he so desires is not a world worth living in. If you are going to sit there and tell me it is illegal in America to look at women in various states of undress, without their knowledge or consent, even when one is perfectly willing to expose his own genitals to the women in return, then go ahead and lock me up. I would rather spend my life in a holding cell for Stanton County's sexual offenders than go free in a world that would punish a man for the very act of being a man.




The Angry Hand of God

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here's more:

LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet


  LOS ANGELES—A ragged and misshapen girl officials are calling a "third Olsen twin" was rescued from the basement of the residence of teen superstars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Tuesday, Los Angeles police said.

"The girl has been positively identified as a sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, born on the same day in June 1986," said LAPD Capt. Ellen Yanez, relating information provided in a confession by parents David and Janette Olsen, now divorced. "The monstrously contorted child was discovered living in conditions that could charitably be described as squalid."

Currently in custody at LAPD headquarters, the twisted, hunched, foul-smelling figure of Ethel Olsen, 17, is drawing both pity and horror from investigators.

"With hair covering over 60 percent of her diminutive body, teeth protruding through her bottom lip, and her only useful limb a prehensile claw, Ethel would make a poor slumber-party companion," Yanez said. "The Olsen family's actions are understandable, if ultimately unconscionable."

According to Yanez, the Olsen family was able to conceal Ethel's birth from public record because the triplets were born during a camping trip in an isolated area of the Sierra Nevada mountains.

"Ethel was reportedly the last to be delivered, and the family recoiled in horror to see such a deformed and unsightly creature emerge from a womb that had housed her two cherubic sisters," Yanez said. "A reluctant sense of duty toward the infant forced her parents to bring her home, but pity soon turned to revulsion, and after a ghastly and traumatic attempt at nursing, the wretch was relegated to the cellar, where she was locked in a cage and fed through a garden hose."

The Olsens' plans to anonymously abandon Ethel at a convent were thwarted in 1987, when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, barely 1 year old, found fame sharing the role of Michelle Tanner on the ABC sitcom Full House.

"The parents didn't want to risk any chance of negative publicity," said Lieut. Ron Mudd, one of the detectives who questioned the Olsens. "Someone at an orphanage might have spotted the dim similarities the hideous mutant bore to her apple-cheeked siblings, who only grew in popularity as the years went by."

Continued Mudd: "It appears that Ethel was continuously kept on the cusp of survival, the family's tenuous belief in the sanctity of life the only thing that kept her fed and sheltered. That she received no love is evident. To be fair, it is hard to love someone whose hairless body parts are covered with scales, half-inch thick toenails, and a harelip that extends past her brow."

Although an investigation is still underway, some details of Ethel's 17 tortured years have been made public. According to the police report, Ethel's cellar dwelling had no heat or ventilation, and only a single grimy, barred basement window provided light. There was no plumbing, so Ethel was forced to scuttle into a corner and defecate in a drain.

When found, the girl was clad in mismatched, threadbare castoffs from Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wal-Mart clothing line. She slept on a heavily tarnished serving tray believed to have been taken from a craft-services table on the set of the 2001 straight-to-video release Holiday In The Sun. Police say she subsisted on rainwater, half-eaten bagels salvaged from talk-show green rooms, and any small rodents she was able to catch; she saved their bones in a corner, along with a pile of coughed-up pellets. The girl owned no toys other than a headless Mattel Ashley doll, onto which she had stuck hanks of her own body hair.

Investigators say that Ethel communicates in guttural grunts and wheezes, as well as the occasional piercing howl. She is fond of rocking on her haunches and humming the same tune fragment, which is believed to be an extremely off-key version of the song "I Am The Cute One," recorded by the Olsen Twins in 1992.

"Perhaps she heard the song emanating from upstairs and it made an impression in her twisted, imbecilic psyche," Mudd said. "The irony is annihilating."

Police rescued Ethel after receiving a tip from an aromatherapist employed by the Olsens. The woman alerted authorities that she had detected a "distinctly un-jasminelike" odor emanating from the basement door of the three-story home.

Ethel's condition has shocked even those on the battle-hardened LAPD.

"My daughter loves Mary-Kate and Ashley, and this is going to be hard to explain to her," Mudd said. "In a way, I wish we'd never found Ethel. As a cop, I see a lot of ugliness every day, but this devastates me. How could something so hideous be connected to something so pure and wholesome?"

The Olsen parents face multiple charges of child abuse and reckless endangerment of a minor, but they are also reportedly in negotiations with television executives to develop a sitcom starring Ethel.

"The parents who did this should be punished," said Linda Spa**ky, vice-president in charge of programming for ABC Family Channel, which airs the Olsen Twins sitcom So Little Time. "But there is no reason to continue to hurt poor Ethel with further sequestering. After all, she has that magical Olsen name, and that means guaranteed tween appeal."

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TNGlive

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I've been on The Onion bandwagon since 2000/2001/2002 whenever that was. Some funny sh!*?  Haven't found other sits that keep the humour consistently fresh.