Off-the-cuff interview with Mr Thabo Mbeki of Senator Towers, Hillbrow.
Korea-Crook: Mr Mbeki, with the benefit of hindsight, would you have done anyhting differently visa vie your handling of the Jake the Snake Affair?
Thabo Mbeki: Well, it might have been a mistake to have fired him before he appeared in court. It was perhaps an err to have forced him to write an oath pledging allegiance to me. And it was definitely a mistake to go up against him at Polokwane. Actually the biggest mistake I ever made was hiring the son-of-a-bitch.
K-C: What was your immediate reaction when you heard Judge Nicholson had inferred that you personally interfered in Jake The Snake's prosecution?
TM: Being Xhosa yourself, you know that our people have a saying that wise men are like old trees. Their trunks are sturdy but when the wind blows, their leaves break off and fall to the ground. And even though the tree does not move when a lone squirrel runs up it , its branches still bend under the delicate weight of a pigeon. Or something to that effect.
K-C: A third of the Cabinet has resigned. Was this a genuine act of solidarity on their part?
TM: No doubt about it. I am like a father to these people. With the head of house gone, they're scared to stay there on their own. These poor souls are now faced with incredibly daunting prospect of going into Big Business and becoming Multi-Millionaires, when all they ever wanted to do was serve the people.
K-C: What d'you make of Trevor Manuel's unexpected resignation, followed by a scramble to rehire him?
TM: Well as a Capeflatsian, you yorself should know that Tre (I call him that) also hails from that dangerous neck of the woods and is essentially a reformed Gangster. By utilizing his considerablr street-wise gravitas to effectively blackmail the ANC into retaining him, he was just behaving instinctively. It's a survival mechanism he learnt on the rough streets of Mitchell's Plain and Manenberg. What is actually more astounding is that he hasn't yet raided the Treasury and gone off to live in Switzerland.
K-C: Actually Mr Manual grew up in the leafy-green smart suburb of Rondebosch.
TM: As I was saying comrade Trevor is a committed member of the ANC who would never....
K-C: Yes, quite. Your critics say that one of your biggest failings is your inability to relate to ordinary South Africans.
TM: Absolute hogwash. I am on Facebook. I have a P.S.3. My groceries come from Woolworths. I have more in common with the peasants of this country than people might think. Watch this... (Mbeki shuffles his feet back and forth). What d'you think of that?
K-C: Umm, sorry but what exactly are you doing?
TM: That's called hippety-hop dancing. All my homos are doing it.
K-C: Er, I think you mean homies. So you're familiar with Skwatta Kamp, then?
TM: I have a Housing Minister who deals with these things. You should speak to... I beg your pardon. I had a Housing Minister. But, yes, I remember seeing a squatter camp once. I think it was in a documentary on BBC Prime.
K-C: Moving along. What d'you think you have left behind with the country after nine years as Head Of State?
TM: Well, I left my briefcase behind but they probably won't let me back in to fetch it. I would also like to get hold of some of those framed pictures of myslef. There must be millions of them out there in Police Stations and Govt. Offices. I would like to sign them and hang them up in my new house as a constant reminder of my undoubtable greatness.
K-C: With your politcal career over, what's next for you?
TM: I am a loyal member of the ANC. I am here to serve, I awiat instructions from the NEC. I will always..... oh f***, who am I kidding I'm off to the Red Light District in Amsterdam in November. Zanele will meet me later in Mallorca for a bit of snorkelling. Then we'll dance the night away on one of those nude beaches I've read about on the Internet.
