this year, i am not celebrating.
i am reflecting.
i have been a part of this community for a while now. we’ve watched people come and go. we’ve come and gone ourselves. we’ve grown and changed and stayed the same. we’ve said some things and left many more unsaid. we’ve joked, we’ve disagreed, we’ve interrogated and we’ve a**umed too. i just felt compelled to capture this thought in this moment, to think about it and put it out there - for we too are just pa**ing through. you can spend all your time around people and never know who they are and they never knowing what you're about too.
it may not make sense to some, may bore some, may go ignored by others, may be ridiculed and taken for granted. this might not be the place. i suspect it may unravel long but then let it be for who it is for. it may be that it might not resonate today but maybe one day. and we were here. came through this way.
it looks easy, but it's not. it's nothing new, nothing not being said, hasn't been said before, nothing life-shattering, ground-breaking, earth-tilting, but it is what it is. i do not imagine saying anything you do not already know. it wont be perfect but that was never the intent. i just wanted to say something. something a little more than happy womens day, i've decided it makes no sense to me. happy womens day. what does that mean. to me, here, right now, today. tomorrow. next month. what does it mean to the people around me. what does it mean to the men in my life.
the words have been stuck. any day about women celebrating themselves is nothing new to me. infact i think i may have bordered on simply finding it depressing this year, like what exactly is the point of all this. really. and i realised that i want more. i want more than to celebrate, i want to feel that the world is really beginning to listen. that WE are beginning to truly listen to each other, not fearfully, not defensively but in willingness and love. i want more of an i feel it in my life kind of change. i want change. i want us to never tire.
i write as a young black woman in south africa. i cannot write on behalf of or for anyone else and neither would i want to. i write also a particular girl, shaped by own life circumstances, experiences and observations. i write from my own consistently challenged perspectives and frames of references. perhaps a hastily stitched up pastiche of things i do often wish i could say, things i've tried to say, wish could be said, wish there was space for beyond the corners of libraries and buried in offerings of sound by some other. if it could just reach but one person, one. something she wanted to say, has long been trying to say, couldn’t say, didn’t say, never says, wishes she could say. something you never hear. i know nothing, only that i try.
as i write this i move from the position that to be for, does not always necessarily equate into being against. these are words shared in the spirit of all. please feel free, take it or leave it. i'm just saying something. the kind of something i too often need to see. i speak because i'm listening.
it is my feeling that along with the general societal fascination with all things non-stop surface, the way we engage with women's day may yet fall prey to the kind of commercialisation and celebration that may bgein to lack in the ability to truly reflect and facilitate the kinds of conversations we are sorely in need of. they are not readily available, they so often have to be sought. that maybe we are missing the point on some fronts. that maybe we are seeing celebrations and not hearing the words, somewhere quiet. where it strikes, deep.
it is my feeling that to think that the sum total of this pause we take, is about pay cheques and seats of position, is mistaken. lets leave the boardrooms for a second and come home. come home to the things that sit inside of us, lets come back to our house parties, our clubs, our schools, our missions and hustles, our day to day relationships. its about a little more than rearranging gla** ceilings. i would like to say that i think it moves beyond even rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect, hate, denial. the symptoms. it is about how we are living, we will find it where we are relating in our most minute, intimate and cloaked moments. who we are when no one is looking. it is my feeling that we as women are miserable. in ways we do not even remember how to give voice to, should we be stupid enough to do so even when we can. with the nature of things moving and twisting merging we, along with the greater humanity of men, are facing some other kinds of demands on our being. we face challenges the same and perhaps some beyond of those who before us came. i can’t multitask anyway, but i have thoughts for the juggling women are doing, have been doing for years. quietly doing what needs to be done. and still wearing the faces of shame.
when we can collectively take responsibility then maybe we will be closer. and closer only to that place where we can start to talk as men and women. honestly, its enough to weaken the bravest of hearts. i’m not sure if we have even begun to wrap our heads around that. and there are various factors to take into consideration, spatially, culturally, that influence our ability or inability to do so. most are not of our making but it is such a vast inheritance isn’t it - what is ours and what isn’t. but here we are. aware of the challenges and yet you can pay attention for as long as you like and still be left wondering, whether there truly is any hope for us. i want to write this without having to lean on the many issues that can be tied in. i want to write it personally. because sometimes i just feel like for all their good intents, facts and figures can obscure. sometimes they don’t make it you. when its precisely about a me and a you. the us that shows face everywhere. the issues are personal.
then maybe we can drop the burdens of big concepts, of being overwhelmed. and start where we are, taking responsibility with whom we are with, as who we are, with what we have. this about finding the words to find each other in the madness. enough already of it. there are too many stories not abating, gathering speed, only prettier today. the greater issues ARE personal.
we say we are here and yet, i have witnessed, i have experienced that we are a society that punishes bold women. we punish women who dare to try and be complete. if they do not adhere to the plans, ways of behaving that may not be quite working as well anymore but refuse to morph, that don't benefit them in the first place, then we ostracize them, we call them names, we make them pay in some way. are we not silencing them then, is that not what we are doing.
what we need are men who understand that my being does not take away from yours. mine is mine, of what my life wants of me, requires of me. the yin of yang. where you can, help us love ourselves instead, and we will love you. nurture, not what i should be and probably can never be, but what am in all its glory.
a lot of these shifts are happening and we are all caught trying to make sense of them and ourselves within them. that is nothing particular to any one person. where we are all there, trying, trying to be, in the mess of people losing respect for each other and in societies losing respect for themselves.
i am going to grossly generalise and say that women are for the most part silently miserable. women are miserable. they are miserable in their high powered jobs, miserable in their happy relationships, women are miserable in their cute dress ups. they are miserable in front of their mirrors, in their homes. they’re miserable in bed. miserable walking down the streets. miserable at cocktails bar smiling at the stranger making eyes at them and miserable in their friendships. so compromised, so diminished in their individual persons, women can barely talk to each other. miserable on the covers of glossy magazines. miserable. bitter, broken and blamed. they are miserable getting paid. miserable in their advancements, their joys. in their pleasing. in their dissent. miserable in their countless really so unnecessary unending diets (trying again to be less), miserable making it look good and look easy. miserable speaking and in silence. miserable throwing plates and smiling. miserable wanting to be more but going about it the way of being less, miserable in their stilettos and kicks. finding numbers in pockets, not being able to insist on partners wearing condoms. miserable seen. we have perfected the art of being unsatisfied. no matter what we can do. as have lots or as nots.
and so this is what i want to say. i am no man and i am not your lover. not even your maybe either. but perhaps in the barrage of the everything else, it is not said enough, doesn’t matter where it comes from:
there is nothing to feel small about in your hips. in your thighs. the size of your bum. your height. your skin tone. the way you speak. the length of your hair. your education. in the you you are struggling to be. there is nothing small there. there are just opinions, preferences and (mis)perceptions. and everybody will at some point or other in their lives arrive to someone, something, some place, some moment at some time. and there you are meant to be. its always all just a matter of time.
the world beats us up, as women, in so many ways, this general all pervasive sense, this need, to be herded into some other, but the saddest of all is how we beat ourselves up for it then too. nobody is perfect and no ones life is perfect. none of that please. it is only the way of each story, its own way. you are you, as you are going where you are going. we will be 47 one day and we wont give a shit. 47 and still probably trying to figure it all out. or even worse, 47 and only then realising how you were doing just fine then. it’s the truth, its for real, you have heard it before but its for real. and so many things we will wish we had laughed off. seasons they do change. you will have to do the work yourself, yourself. in this world, the way it is. nobody is going to give it to you, not even your loved ones. some people and circumstances may, most wont. where one of the most constant things is change, they change, you change. you decide and you must. you must because the situations are real. there are so many more things that will always be ready to deplete, take away, confuse, blur. what you know, you must know for sure. it’s not about anyone else as it turns out, at its end there is always you. share of it but keep, you will need it. you do need it. that’s what you’ve got. that’s what you do have.
do yourself a favour and just be yourself. JUST BE YOURSELF. for what it’s worth, be grateful for that which does not embrace you as you are, as you want to be. for what it’s worth, you may aswell just get on with the business of being yourself. you will alleviate yourself of much of the borrowed discomfort extras that make us sick. sick in our hearts, sick in our minds, sick in our bodies. you don’t have to be anyone else to have the things you want. and you don’t have to compromise half as much as we seem to think we are chained and bound to. risk it. and risk it all. and see what happens. you can always start again. ain’t no shame in it. there’s no reason to settle for just fabulous when you can be whole AND fabulous. not because you are proving a point, not because you need to show you believe it but because you actually do. dont make it circumstantial develop the painstaking process of making it a way of life. just the way it is. the end. because you deserve it. because you have the right. but understand that no one is going to give it to you. its never going to com from anyone else. sorry.
this abundance of tenderness we hold inherently, we should be taking the time to nurture within ourselves. for ourselves too. we forget. it is a great treasure. we don’t need to ‘be men’ whatever that means today, what we need is for us to be able to be wholly women as we engage with these different spaces. we can say we would like to just been as * insert whatever it is you do * and not a woman. but good luck with that because reality is not always quite so above board, chances are you will be considered a woman whether you like it or not. what you can do is engage and i think we need not shy away from being women and being in these spaces, its about making it count. then you are repping, then rep proper. there is a someone who is always coming behind you. thats how people learn, thats how we communicate. thats how things change.
also we must most certainly feel free to express our femininity but we have so much more to draw from then just using that alone, no matter how well it works, makes us lazy and gives us a false sense of self worth. and the ground will shift on you one day.
we don’t need to fear men and we don’t need for men to fear women. what we are working towards here is eradicating the fear between us. we are trying to shape our own collective way forward, one that doesn’t leave anyone else on the backfoot.
let’s enjoy our selves. not because of, or due to, or dependent on. but let’s be honest where we trip. let’s be honest where we disagree, let’s be honest where we need help, let’s be honest where we are unfulfilled, let’s be honest where we cannot change, let’s be honest where we need to support, lets be honest where we cant, lets be honest when we're angry, let’s be honest when it hurts, let’s be honest in our struggles, let’s be honest in our pain, let’s be honest in our entirety. let’s be honest when we most feel we cannot be. sense of self is a step by step by step of small stupid things that build character. and the women that we need are the kinds of women who know how to survive, how to build, how to share. how to be selfish when needs be and generous when it counts the most. when it is about the you and when it for the whole. you must know the difference. there is far too muck work still to be done.
i am not advocating for ballbreakers (although you will be tested and will have to break one or two), i not advocating for women who fear other women, im advocating for a grounded selfhood. i believe the gains are far greater there.
and thank you to every single man known and unknown who doesnt fear his womans greatness but can appreciate it and enjoy it. every man who has ever stood by a woman who wanted different for herself. you rock. big up to men raising young ladies GOD speed and may those upstarts teach you something that you can find in yourself to extend to the greater community of women who need it too. big up to all the women in lesbian relationships, i believe they have a lesson for all women and men. there is a particular evident wholeness there. all the young ladies who follow, facing journeys travelled before, i wish for you an authentic self created kind of confidence. theres more out there then just being modern or empowered. there’s more. look up and look ahead. i believe to say thank you is to do justice to every last sacrifice that was made in your name by people who knew you and those who didnt. and to pa** on the gift of sacrifices to be made in your name too.
i realised today that i don’t just want to be celebrated, i want to be respected, cherished, protected, adored, supported, nurtured, uplifted. i want my feelings and thoughts to be considered, valued. i want to be seen AND heard. i want to define and lead and support. i want to set the agenda and fight for it. i do not want to be loved in fear, i don’t want to be any less for love, i just want to be loved. i want to love. i want to know what it means to truly love myself. i want compa**ion, i want appreciation. in my pride, in my strength, in my weakness. as the force of nature that i am. i want to grow tall in my fullness. i want to go hoarse not from silence but from speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking. i want to be gentle. and dream MY dreams. i want to tell the world to f*** off. i want to honour my scars. i want better for young girls in places with names i can barely pronounce. i want to see something else. i want the space to be better than even i can imagine. i want to be all i can be, unapologetically. i want to breathe. i want to dance. i want to put back and push. i want to trust myself no matter what. i want to take a stand. i do not want to turn or shy away from anything. i want to face it with wholeness. i want to remember that i matter too. i want to be in healthy spaces and healthy relationships. i want to be healthy. i want.
and so i wish for you. i wish for you the opportunities, however painful and necessary as they may be in their arrival, to explore, discover, understand and meet the woman you are afraid of in you. i wish for you the kind of healing that only comes with truth. i wish for you the strength to earnestly fight for your right to a solid wholeness. and you there i suspect you will find that what should be the easiest thing to do, will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. i wish you many many moments of silence. treat your femininity as the gift it is. i wish for you a self determined sexuality that still respects you. remembering that as incubators of tomorrow, we know of life.
i wish you courage.
magine. consider everything you understand to make you you. anything you pin your sense of self on. whether it’s a thing, a person, your achievements. whatever it may be. imagine yourself without it. imagine losing all of it, for whatever reason, imagine a moment where you are without. and who would you be then. who would you be. how would you feel. what would you say then. who would it make you. what would it take. thats the person who matters most. life is like that. take the time.
thank you for listening.
