This is for the guy who spits his game all night, only to lose the girl because some creepy loser interrupted them in the pre-mating ritual. Or for the guy who always gets yelled at by his friends for derailing their poon train. While most people agree that cockblocking is bad, understanding it is the only way to use it for positive (self-serving) purposes. So, let the lesson begin!
The Hover- This is the simplest and most basic move to execute. Stand next to a guy and a girl talking, so instead of a line conversation between the two of them, it becomes a gimpy triangle. The key is for you to not talk and just listen to their conversation, thus making them both feel awkward. I killed my friend twice on the same night using this technique, but I was drunk and I honestly thought I was involved in the conversation, until he pulled me aside and bitch-slapped me for diluting his mojo.
Trick the guy into a fight- If the guy is really drunk, whisper insults into his ear when the girl's not looking, and if he gets belligerent and pissed off at you, play the gentleman role and act all confused and nice about it. If you're lucky, he can take a swing at you and you can kick his a** or get punched and let the girl take care of you. Either way, his a** got punked and you end up looking good and he won't even remember the next day. Even if he does remember, just say he was too drunk to REALLY remember.
Bring up an embara**ing/dorky/incriminating moment in the guy's life- One kid I know got cockblocked when his roommate showed the girl pics of other girls' tits on his phone, so the girl stopped talking to him and gave the roommate a BJ later that night. At least, that's what the kid told me, when the real reason she ditched him is because he's fat. My older brother also told me about his vagina-sterilizer roommate who cut in when he was talking to a girl, and said my brother does great family guy quotes. Once put on the spot, he felt obligated to say "Oh my god, there's an orgy in my mouth!" and the girl disappeared faster than viewers at a Wayans brothers movie. Seriously though... what's funnier than uptight, snobby white people being thrown in with streetwise, sa**y black people and mutually learning to like the other group by the end of the movie? Um, everything?
"So... how's your girlfriend doing?"- Say that to the guy when the girl is around. This works regardless of whether he actually has a girlfriend. If he does, he'll feel too guilty to weasel his way out of it, and the other girl will lose interest in him for being a scumball. If he doesn't have a girlfriend and asks what the f*** you're talking about, he'll look even more pathetic because the girl will a**ume he's putting up a single guy act to get in her pants.
Use a mutual acquaintance as a buffer for talking shit about the other guy- If you're talking to someone who knows the girl you want to take home, but does not know the sausagehead currently hitting on her, act concerned about the situation. Make up something horrible, like the guy likes to sodomize his hamster or beats up his mom... or do the cla**ic "that guy is a player" line. The key is to act concerned about who the guy is and not like you're after the girl yourself. That will make you seem like a good guy, and the girl will eventually get a warning. By then, it probably can't be traced back to you. The only way she wouldn't get the warning is if her friend wants you for herself, in which case, bite the bullet like a Korean gymnast and just take the f***in silver medal.
Slip a roofie in the guy's drink- Only do this if nothing else seems to work or you really don't like the guy, because there's a chance that it's illegal. Why be a rapist when you can be a cutthroat gamer? If you use one on a guy, and he pa**es out somewhere, people will just a**ume he's really trashed and the girl will be totally turned off and in need of someone to walk her home. This is where you come in. Simply pretend like you're a good person and take the huge hike in the snow with her, and if she wants you to carry her, do that as well. After that, you won't need anymore roofies, because chances are you'll already be in the same bed as her, and waiting for her to fall asleep... so you can jack off! I mean, seriously, did you really think she would get with a pathetic f*** like you? Forget about it!
