It just so happens that the powers-that-be have decided to give me my own column. I wonder why? Could if be my boyish charm, my fashion sense, or my ever increasing collection of Norwegian stamps? I jumped at the opportunity to fill an already crowded nonsensical internet with even more pointless, but hopefully intelligent works of literary prose. As I embarked on my journey of self-discovery and pseudo-journalism, I realised, after only 12 hours of staring at a blank computer screen, that I was in trouble. I was confronted by one of life’s harshest lessons, and pretty soon the realisation struck me… this will be the shortest column ever.

Undeterred, I grabbed another cup of coffee, while skilfully dodging another request from my boss to do actual work. I had made up my mind, today was the day that I would finish of this column and by god if it meant being fired so be it. With great conviction I moved my hands down to the keyboard, and typed…

“Smurkeolso”…

It was not meant to be. Words had escaped me. 

But in all earnest, there are a number of topics that I could explore in this very first edition of Vexxinate, be it the torture of prisoners in Abu Ghraib, South Africa finally getting the chance to host the world Cup, Tony Blair getting “nuked” by a VIP, the death of old’ Ronnie, the release of Terror Eugene (affectionately known by many as Moses version 2.0) , or maybe I’ll rant about some inane, inconsequential affair, like Britney’s boob job (like anyone really cares). 

Poco: “Dude I care”

VeXx: “Piss off”

I’m sure I could fill pages on my feelings on the war in Iraq, but considering that I’m not a political analyst and as much as I’d like to believe that I can give an honest view on current affairs. It will still be clouded by my own perceptions and prejudices. As they say prejudice is the culmination of experience gained until age 18. I suppose the only people to blame are my parents lol. Instead I’m opting for something happier, and a lot less controversial.

It dawned on me that after reviewing a few movies, I have never really explained my scoring system. Therefore, in an attempt to add some graphics to this column, I am including “The VeXxinate Scoring System v. 1.0”.

10 A religious experience
9 Outstanding
8 Excellent
7 Good
6 fair
5 Average- enough said!!
4 Flawed, but fans of the genre, book, or actor may appreciate it.
3 A disappointing affair which leaves you shouting “WHY? WHY? WHY?”
2 A date with Manto Tshababla-Msimang. (In other words “KAK”)
1 A public toilet cubicle in St George’s Mall Cape Town (You’ve been warned)

The scoring system should not be taken as gospel. It is merely a guide. What is important however is that any movie that scores 5 should be considered “average”. That makes sense doesn’t it? 

Poco: So a movie that scores 6 is not that bad?

VeXx: exactly… 

Now that, that is over, I’d like to conclude with “The Good the Bad and the Ugly”. Think of it as Vexist propaganda for the masses. 

THE GOOD

According to ViXen the existence of pre-packaged microwave-ready soup from Woolworth’s is a godsend. Considering that I’m more of a peanut butter and bread, kind-of-guy… the idea of pre-packed anything doesn’t really excite me too much, however I can appreciate it. 

THE BAD and THE UGLY

We’re probably still breathing in a happy mixture of benzene, acetone, methylene chloride, styrene and all sorts of other toxic goodies from Cape Town’s own “self-proclaimed” benevolent oil refinery (the Caltex refinery). I can’t understand why a multinational such as ChevronTexaco can not just upgrade their local facilities to meet European and American standards, could it possibly be that we’re in Africa and they think that that they can get away with it? Government on the other hand has been promising to “show zero tolerance for polluters” since early 2000, and with a recent study done by UCTs Lung Institute, where they concluded that the refinery may be one of the major causes of the high levels of asthma in the Northern suburbs, you have to wonder… 

Poco: Hot air?

VeXx: the hottest…

I’d like to hear what our readers think about this. 

That’s about it…
Peace,
VeXx

Please send your comments, questions, ranting and suggestions to xavidium@yahoo.co.uk, and you might just get a T-shirt.

PS: For more information on our air quality visit http://www.capetown.gov.za/airqual/

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